Sad? Happy? No Other Adjective Properly Describes This Strange Feeling

Truthfully, the thought never even remotely came close to crossing my mind. Little did I know that at my routine bone marrow transplant check-up this morning, it’d be my last.

His words in a nutshell: “Your primary care doctors have written detailed notes on you, & you’re doing really good,” Dr. Yanik reported. “You don’t need to see me anymore.”

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I’ve been regularly seeing the indescribably spectacular Dr. Yanik for the last 17 years of my life, since I was 16 years old!

Weird, but I almost feel like the good news is a giant slap in the face.

On the 1 hand, it’s fantastic to hear I’m in such good condition

– my blood counts are within normal range &

– my immune system is pretty much back to normal (finally!!!)

but on the other hand, a steady part of my life for the past 17 years is unexpectedly being stripped away.

≡ My 2 unrelated bone marrow transplants,

≡ 60 infusions of Arsenic,

≡  Countless transfusions of blood products,

≡ Too many Intensive Care hospital admissions,

≡ Months spent admitted on the cancer floor,

≡ Rare Moments of Positive Medical News,

≡ Devastating Times of Especially Menacing Health Crises &

≡ Years upon years of doctor check-ups like today’s:

It all adds up to

Many Very Significant Lifelong Memories

that equal

A Patient Who Will Not Miss being sick,

but will miss

her all-time favorite physician who was with her while she was.

Dr. Yanik 7-17-17 on my last visit.PNG

Dr. Yanik my last visit 7-17-17

One thought on “Sad? Happy? No Other Adjective Properly Describes This Strange Feeling

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