I once was lost but now I’m . . . still lost

I’m never going to take part in stupid little arguments anymore, I’d think in my hospital bed. It’s such a pointless waste of time, I’d remind myself after struggling through yet another incredibly difficult health obstacle while battling leukemia.

But years passed and I regrettably but not too surprisingly lost my resolve to live out a conflict-free existence. Rather, found are the realities of every single life on earth, including the unavoidable (but luckily only occasional) unhappy times, clashes with people, and the inevitable remorse that follows poorly responding to situations.

Yesterday I hit a massive blunder when I overreacted in a big way. Then of course feeling foolish hit me afterwards as I was thinking about it. I call that whole process getting lost. In a perfect world, my mind would never allow such a HUGE life lesson I learned fighting leukemia fade away. In this world, though, forgetting to exercise what I previously promised to myself – to refrain from futile arguments – plays out more times than I’d care to detail.

It sounds crazy I suppose, but I am truly grateful for becoming deathly ill multiple times. Not for all the breaks from school (I actually LOVE academics and call myself a “word nerd”), the dozens and dozens of kind notes and comical get-well cards I received in the mail, or the many delicious meals that were dropped off at our house for my family (food is my unfailing tasty topic of choice any day of the week). The reason for my gratefulness is I was really able to gain the clearest life perspective I’ve ever seen, allowing me to learn the most important things to value, which I believe are:

 1. the best health you’re able to realistically achieve


2. sharing your life in meaningful relationships with people around you.

A take-away? I’ve discovered that when I skip my morning time reading and waking up with God to start my day off the way I’d like, my focus is totally lost and I succumb to crises and disputes. My solution nowadays? Restart putting God into my morning routine DAILY to better resist being found, and certainly then falling into, many of life’s senseless squabbles.

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